Here's your hour-by-hour Super Bowl eating strategy
Remember: It's a marathon, not a sprint
Remember: It's a marathon, not a sprint
Remember: It's a marathon, not a sprint
I really don't care for football, but I'm a very serious and dedicated patron of . This Sunday brings us the , the biggest sports day in the American calendar—and for many of us, the second-biggest holiday of eating like a disgusting pig ( being the first, obviously). I'm really, truly excited for Game Day, and I intend it take it seriously. What follows is my personal eating strategy, hour by hour. You could edit to fit your own needs, but I suggest that you do not.
11:00am: Eat a light breakfast as late as possible so you can skip lunch. Include a protein like eggs to keep you satisfied, and a lot of fruits to make you feel like you're super healthy.
12:00pm: Choose an outfit for your party that gives generously in the waist: a giant sweatshirt or jersey on top, and leggings or sweatpants on bottom.
12:03pm: When choosing, give heed to a festive color combo of green and silver (for Philadelphia) or red and blue (for New England). If torn, consider that orange is the color of most of the foods you'll be eating today, so root for the food instead.
2:00pm: Prepare some kind of dish for the party you'll be attending. No one likes the person who arrives empty-handed. If you're vaguely skilled in kitchen, we have lots of ideas for you . If you're worried, just bring some combination of . Can't lose.
5:00pm: Arrive at your friend's house. Appreciate the aroma of buffalo in the air. It's on.
5:27pm: Strongly consider your feelings about alcohol. It may depend on your party—it is a school night, after all—but whatever you do, think it over. Wine and cocktails are difficult to pair with the salt bombs you're about to eat, and beer will fill you up.
5:40pm: Nibble on the small appetizers, but don't be mindless about it. Those little rubbery squares of supermarket cheddar are not why you're here.
6:05pm: There will be several dips available. Adjust your dip-to-chip ratio for this one occasion. You want maximum dip and minimum chip, so you can sample as many as possible.
6:30pm: When it's go time, pause to look at the spread and see which dish triggers an onslaught of drool. That's your target.
6:36pm: Keep an eye on proportions. Your plate should be 1/3 meat (wings, pigs in blankets), 1/3 cheese (, dips, foods stuffed with dairy), and 1/3 . Controversial, I know, but buffalo chicken dip is what Super Bowl is all about. You will always regret not eating more of it.
8:15pm: Set your plates aside and dim the lights for the half-time show. Justin Timberlake is headlining, and you'll be embarrassed if he sees your plate covered in orange residue.
8:49pm: Now, go back for seconds. Ignore the voice that says you need a few sprigs of that sad salad someone brought. This is neither the time nor the place.
9:00pm: If you haven't yet, this is the time to enjoy a cold beer. You've done good work out there.
9:15pm: Take some yoga stretches between third and fourth quarters. A simple child's pose aids digestion and may even help you burp out some more room.
10:00pm: Help your host clean up—it burns calories!—but resist the temptation to take any leftovers if they're offered. You will need no reminders of how you behaved today.
11:30pm: Pop a Pepcid and sleep the sweet sleep of someone stuffed to the gills.