'They will always be with me': Mother shares story of pregnancy loss to help other women, families
A mother is sharing her story of loss in hopes of helping other families.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Nationwide, one in four women will lose a baby during pregnancy, during delivery or shortly after birth.
Portland, Maine, photographer Erin Little has chronicled her journey of pregnancy loss after learning, unexpectedly, in June of last year that she was pregnant.
"It was a complete surprise. I have a now 15-year-old daughter, so I was not planning on more," Little said.
She said her pregnancy initially went well until she noticed changes.
"Started to feel him really kicking regularly and more strongly. It very quickly started to decrease, and that is when I got a little worried," Little said.
At 25 weeks, Little said she went to the hospital.
"The ultrasound tech said, 'Did you find his heartbeat?' And I said, 'Yes,' and she breathed a sigh of relief. And, the second she put the thing on my belly, ... her whole face just completely dropped, and she was like, 'I’m sorry. Your son is gone.' I totally went into shock, and on top of that, I was alone because of COVID," Little said.
Little said she was then taken to labor and delivery.
"It's a horrible experience. I can't imagine a worse, more terrifying, horrific experience for a woman to go through. It's awful. I gave birth at 8 on a Sunday, and by 5, the funeral home came to take him away, and I felt like I just didn't have time with him. And that is something I regret, and if I had known, I would have asked, 'cause I'll never see him again," Little said.
Little said she fell into a deep depression, but instead of hiding what she was going through, she posted it to her more than 10,000 Instagram followers as a way to honor her son, Henri.
"The amount of response that I got, especially women that emailed me, texted me, messaged me saying, 'I went through this. I have never told anyone. I've never talked about it. It was 20 years ago, and I feel like it was yesterday. And you're now allowing me to talk about it and get help.' It also helped me to feel like I was helping others when I was hurting so much," Little said.
Less than a year later, Little found out she was pregnant again with another boy. Sister station WMTW News 8’s Cristina Frank spoke with Little in May about becoming pregnant with Oliver after losing Henri.
"I just want to celebrate that this baby exists now. I don't know what is going to happen, but I'm happy about it. I'm happy about him," Little said.
Days after the May interview, Little had a miscarriage.
"Having gone through it once and then the second time, I was just like, oddly accepting and calm. Almost like I was so anxious the entire time I was pregnant, thinking that something once again was going to go wrong, that it just did," Little said.
She said talking about her loss and not hiding it has saved her.
"I do somehow want to be a support to other women who are going through this. Because I feel like I am emotionally strong enough to be able to be there for them, and so that is why I continue to share," Little said.
Little, and her partner Eliot, celebrate their boys. There is a memorial bench on the Western Promenade in Portland overlooking the room where Henri was born.
"The first song I ever played for him when I was pregnant, I'm a jazz trumpet player, was Chet Baker's 'Look for the Silver Lining,' and so the bench says, 'Always look for the silver lining,'" Little said.
Little said it is about moving ahead, not forgetting, and the unconditional love of a mother.
"I am glad I have Henri and Oliver. They are my sons. They will always be with me," Little said.