Your guide to navigating 5 awkward family situations over the holidays
From politics to your lack of a plus-one
From politics to your lack of a plus-one
From politics to your lack of a plus-one
Yes, they’re judging you. Your family, that is. Who you voted for, how you're raising your kids, what you're putting (or not putting) on your plate — it's all kindling for holiday flare-ups with the relatives. No wonder two-thirds of people surveyed predict arguments this season. Here's how to navigate the biggest conflicts before you hit grandma's house.
The elephant (and donkey) in the room
A post-election poll from HuffPost and YouGov found that more than half of Americans avoided last Thanksgiving, and the country hardly seems more united since then.
"I can't think of a holiday season more fraught than the one coming up," says Lisa Marie Bobby, Ph.D., clinical director of Denver's Growing Self Counseling & Life Coaching group.
To avoid bad blood, some families go so far as to institute a politics-free zone. But despite the intention to prevent squabbles, things come up. (Often when people get tipsy, to no one's surprise.)
And when we're dealing with loved ones, discussions can be especially abrasive. "With family, we feel like we can say whatever we want and they still have to love us," says Carey Sue Vega, an etiquette coach in Oklahoma City. Which is why so many of us feel picked on for our political views.
How to deal: It can be tempting to defend your point of view, especially when the issue at hand is about both politics and values (such as immigration policy or ). But moving on (e.g., "We'll have to agree to disagree") doesn't have to mean you've rolled over.
"If the other person isn't willing to have a civil conversation, then you haven't been defeated — you've protected your sanity," says Vega. When things get intense, counteract a family member's raised voice and red face by speaking in a soft, slow tone. "Emotions are contagious, and if you stay calm, your composure is likely to be mirrored," says Bill Eddy, a licensed clinical social worker and president of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego.
Another hint: At the start of the event, enlist an ally to steer the convo to safer waters if things are about to capsize.
If, on the other hand, your uncle asks questions instead of immediately pointing out why you're wrong — a sign he's up for a genuine back-and-forth — then by all means start that conversation. Just don't do it over dinner (the rest of the table might not want a dissertation on Russian interference in the election). Say, "It seems like we have much to discuss. Can we talk after the meal?"
One last instruction: If someone makes a comment that flies in the face of your convictions and your kids are there, follow up on it later in a quiet moment with your littles, Vega urges.
Say, "Grandpa said some things about immigrants at the table earlier. What did you think?" Asking them open-ended questions gives youngsters a chance to work out complicated issues, shows that they can discuss even taboo topics with you and allows you to reinforce your family's principles.
Food fights
Part of the high hopes surrounding the holidays have to do with bonding over meals and family recipes, says Eddy. So when your diet choices (, ) or limitations (gluten-free) bump up against people's expectations of what should be on your plate, feelings can get hurt.
How to deal: When someone snarks, "Oh, you're still doing that thing?" Hit them with a response that's brief, informative, friendly and firm, an approach developed by Eddy.
Try, "I am! It's becoming more common, and if you're curious, I can share an article about it later. Can you pass the salad?" The change in subject signals you're not going to debate the merits of Tofurky tonight, thankyouverymuch.
Life at your pace
These days, choices that used to be considered odd or shocking — , living together long term without a wedding ring, waiting to start a family or not having kids at all — are more mainstream than alternative. But old-world thinkers may still judge you for what you haven't accomplished "on time." It's best to plan responses in advance for the inquisition headed your way — about exactly when you'll get engaged/find a stable job/pop out a baby.
How to deal: Ah, the insensitive comment about your very personal business. Best to use humor so the interrogators don't get the satisfaction of seeing you squirm. If your cousin says, "Aw, I expected you to have a plus-one at Hanukkah this year," make a joke of it: "You know, I really tried, but he escaped the duct tape and handcuffs on the way here." People will either laugh or be so appalled that they'll change the subject — both outcomes are a win!
Family feuds
Relatives have an opinion about everything you do as a parent, from your child's extracurriculars (too scheduled!) to her clothing (too adult!) to her manners (she should call everyone "ma'am" or "sir"). It's no surprise, then, that research shows parents are more likely than child-free folks to fight with family (even more so during the holidays, when you spend extra time with the whole family tree). Of all the conflicts you're likely to face this season, the ones related to your may be the most painful, says Bobby.
"One of the most tender spots for many of us is, 'Am I a good mother?'" she says. "When that's challenged by in-laws with different traditions and boundaries, it weighs on top of all the mommy guilt you feel already."
How to deal: Whether their habits are just uncomfortable (your family never ) or downright upsetting (they keep your kids in line with the threat of a spanking), dealing with someone else's "normal" is a great time to remind yourself of what you want out of your holiday, says Bobby.
"Chances are, creating memories, cementing a family ritual or spending time with loved ones is more important than convincing your relatives not to overload your kids with sugar." But if you're not willing to let certain stuff slide, enlist your partner to hash it out with his kin, adopting an I'll-deal-with-my-side-and-you-deal-with-yours rule.
Mental health hostilities
We have made great strides against misconceptions and stigmas surrounding mental health, which is beyond welcome news for the 1 in 7 women living with a condition such as anxiety or . Unfortunately, your family may not have gotten the sensitivity memo. Knowing why they may misunderstand certain conditions (e.g., generational taboos or even the fact that they see only your happy, Clarendon-filtered social posts) doesn't take the sting out of their side-eye, though. And yes, you're allowed to be annoyed when your aunt spots an Rx in your bag and is suddenly an expert on curing anxiety holistically.
How to deal: When she asks, "Have you tried light therapy/nutritional supplements/colon hydrotherapy instead?" it's not your responsibility to school her on the reams of research that back the efficacy and safety of your treatment plan. Instead, respond with a straightforward, "My doctor and I have looked at all the options, and we've found the approach that works for me."
If a loved one just can't understand "what you have to be depressed about," all you can do is remind yourself that some people don't understand mental health issues (not to mention the fact that no one is happy 100 percent of the time). Vega suggests saying, "Everyone has ups and downs; I just happen to be in one of those valleys. I'm looking forward to coming out the other side." Then do whatever you need to keep your cool: Use the dog as an excuse to go for a walk or send an eye roll emoji-filled text to a friend. Even a quick shot of empathy from an understanding pal will keep you from feeling as if you're stranded with no support.
One Liners
When a convo starts derailing, change the subject with one of these scripts.
"I saw that you just helped build a house for Habitat for Humanity. How did it go?"
Why it works: Some low-effort pre-party Facebook lurking can help you steer the conversation away from tricky topics.
"Aunt Tasha, what does your question say?"
Why it works: Tucking conversational prompts under each plate at the table and bringing them up at an unsteady moment can pull the group back together. (If you can, ask the kids to write them — they'll be hilarious!)
"Did you know that a narwhal's tusk is actually a superlong tooth?!"
Why it works: A ridiculously random non sequitur isn't subtle, but it'll probably make everyone stop short — and laugh.
"I don't want to talk about this."
Why it works: Women in particular hate to ruffle feathers, Bobby says, but putting up boundaries and taking care of yourself is the healthiest thing you can do this holiday.
This article originally appeared in the December 2017 issue of Women's Health.